DEFEATED

I just began this journey and I have finally been defeated! Let me explain.

I have fought the fight for 23 years, my own fight that is. Every one of those 23 years I spent trying to prove myself, trying to defend my story, and trying to show I was worth loving. I always thought I could do it myself. I thought I was strong enough. You could say I have won because my healing process is complete.

As my healing process came to an end I could see the finish line. I thought when I made it everyone would be cheering for me. But as I crossed the line, breaking the ribbon across my chest, it was strangely quiet with only a few cheering applause: my parents, my husband (my biggest fan), and my best friend. As I looked around, I was confused. These people had been there from the beginning of the race. Where was the rest of the world?

One of the biggest surprises, or lessons I learned when I got to the end, is that no one else changed. I never proved, defended, or earned anything in the process—at least not from the world. For the people who don’t want to, or don’t have the ability to see the truth, there will never be anything I can do, good or bad, to prove myself in their eyes. Even at the finish line, there are still some people who choose to see me as broken, and others who simply cannot understand the journey.

So, I give up, I surrender, I am defeated. Although, I have not surrendered to any person, I have surrendered to God.

I feel defeated, but in truth it is humility because it is my own pride that keeps me holding on to my story. God has lifted so many burdens from me, but not until I was ready to let them go, not until I was defeated. I cannot follow the path God has provided for me to fight for virtue, to fight for His children, His daughters, while I am still fighting my own battle. I have to put a stamp on my own story and close that chapter of my life. It is just some story that happened to someone, somewhere. There is no longer any need for me to defend it. It is complete. I can let it go with confidence because I know that I am whole. No one can touch me now.

Emilism: It is finished! And only God knows it all.

Letting go of my own will is something I have learned many times over, but recent experiences have solidified this in my heart. My Savior is the only one that can fight the fight for me, and He has. Now I will fight the fight for Him, hoping to help others experience the healing power of the Atonement.

“Lift up your hearts and be glad, for I am in your midst, and am your advocate with the Father; and it is his good will to give you the kingdom” (Doctrine and Covenants 29:5).